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"The cat's out of the bag and looking for a sofa to scratch."
Nov. 23rd, 2009
11:55 pm - anxiety dreams
Lately, I dream in variations
of the same two things:
It is either
my wedding day, and
I still have no fucking clue
what I plan to wear
or
time for lab. I have brought
the wrong purse
and the wrong shoes. Fail.
Nov. 21st, 2009
09:31 pm - age as a number
Okay, so I know I keep mentioning my upcoming birthday. I guess it's been on my mind a lot this year. This may be because I'm in grad school where it's harder to just guess what age someone is solely by what year or semester they're in. I find that I can be hyper-focused (at times) on how I am perceived in respects to age, especially because I know I look young.
What's funny about working as a freelance writer is that when I am querying editors and reaching out to interview subjects, they have no idea what I look like or how old I am. Plus, I tend to converse in a very professional manner, thanks to lots of office/bullshit/PR experience. Sometimes I wonder if people would share as much with me as they do or take me as seriously if they knew what the person on the other end of the email correspondence looked like or how young she is.
I'm just saying 'cause I'm working on this piece right now where all my interview subjects are older than me, but they're responding to me as if I were some kind of...higher-up. Or at least someone you need to be polite to. Granted, I have control over what part of their stories and personalities get into print, but by the same token, I'm just the hired gun. Not that we used guns in dietetics, of course.
24 is interesting to me because it's closer to the quarter-life-crisis age than it is to the barely-legal age. As my dad put it today when I saw him, "You're an adult, kiddo."
Funny choice of words, there.
At first, when I started school, I felt really old because I was meeting all these girls who are younger than my little sister, but I have met plenty more who are in their late twenties and early thirties. Some even older! So it leaves me not knowing at all how to feel about my age, but I'm starting to think that, overall, it's an advantage, especially since I have so much schooling left (at least two more years—probably closer to three!).
I actually had coffee with my old nutritionist the other day, and it's amazing, how much it helped me figure out even further what I want to focus on and what not to waste my time on.
When I mentioned to her my scheduling fears and my uncertainty about going to Italy this summer, she said, "If there's one thing I regret, it's that I didn't take more time to enjoy the educational experience. If I could do it again, I wouldn't be in such a rush."
Hah, yeah.
09:14 am - turning into my mother
I was overjoyed and surprised that I slept in until eight this morning.
Volunteering doing food prep for an AIDS/HIV dinner at a church downtown at noon, but I wish I could stay home and do laundry and catch up on work. I hate to admit this, but I'm considering calling in. I'm supposed to meet a high school friend for coffee at 3:30, which I'm still going to go to, but I am just...not in the mood to be in a busy, crowded kitchen today.
Oh well. I'm going to just go to the gym and get ready and remember that I have plenty of time to get stuff done when I get home and then again tomorrow if tonight gets busy the way last night did.
I'm turning 24 in, like, nine days. Such a weird number, 24. Divisible by so many things.
PS—if you have the chance to go see Sticky at the Bowery Poetry Club ever, do it. Lots of short (we're talking, ten-minutes) plays that all take place in the same location plus hilarious music.
Nov. 18th, 2009
10:46 pm - little things
When I tell him to feel better and ask if I can pick up anything on my way home, he says, "An avocado."
For some reason, this reminds me of walking down the street in Chinatown our first summer in New York, him sipping from a young coconut as we meandered our way north.
Most of his favorite foods are tropical species with skins or shells or peels.
Oddly, both my and Chris' first word was "banana."
I tried my first persimmon tonight. It wasn't as sweet as I'd expected, but pleasing the way an apricot is pleasing once you know what to expect. Except I didn't eat the skin. It felt funny.
Apricot was one of the first fruits my mother introduced me to. She said I made a face like I wasn't prepared for such mellowness from something so orange.
Nov. 13th, 2009
08:24 pm - Funny pictures
Today I posed for a class of middle school students getting ready to apply to art high schools. It was a portrait class where they were told to focus on my face and use crazy colors to tell the story they saw in it. During and after, the instructor encouraged me to walk around and check them out. I only was able to get shots of the first round, but it was still interesting. Here are some that I found kind of funny/interesting.
Nov. 5th, 2009
09:38 pm - kind of funny
I forgot to mention it last night, but one of the students in the drawing class I worked last night drew me as a superhero. I found that pretty amusing.
Nov. 4th, 2009
10:02 pm - Also
I got offered my first paying nutrition-related writing gig today. I'm going to be co-writing a piece for an ADA student publication. It's a place to start. I'm super-excited and can't wait to start interviewing people. I definitely want to do a good job.
I'm also in a good mood because I only had to pose for one hour tonight for an animation class but still will get paid for the full three hours.
On the way home, I stopped at American Apparel, which Chris had told me to check out because it's apparently not sucking this season. He was right. I bought myself two early birthday gifts that will fit in very nicely with my other clothes.
10:00 pm - On Parental Approval
While waiting on line
to get into the audition
for "Who Wants to Be
a Millionaire," my father
tells Chris that after
all these years and
all these dollars
spent on poetry and science,
he still wishes
I had gone into TV.
Every time we talk
about the nutrition
career I'm working toward
he has a million ideas
for TV segments
and book tours
and my own healthy-
living HBO show.
When I was doing
stand-up bitter
erotica almost every night,
he used to tell me
I should write
screenplays.
For television.
Some things, I suppose,
never change.
Nov. 1st, 2009
07:12 pm - Halloween
This year was much better than last year. One of Chris' bands hosted a show/party at their space in Chelsea, which also has a stage/gallery area, and his other band also played. There were a lot of people there that I knew, and almost everyone was in costume, myself included (even if I did throw together a hippie/my-mother-is-a-hypnotist uniform at the last minute). The music was good and I got to see some good people. Drinking for free also helps—plus, it makes it a little easier to put that drink down when you think you're getting close to your limit...
One of maybe two photos of me in existence from this year's celebration. It's of me and my friend Dan from college, whose roommate came armed with a giant frame and a polaroid camera...
Oct. 27th, 2009
07:31 am - I knew eventually it would happen
Chris and I got scheduled to pose for the same fashion photography class this morning, so we're heading out to breakfast first.
Hilarious.
Oct. 25th, 2009
05:05 pm - the Wash & Go
My dad thinks I dress well. I don't know why this is amusing, but it is.
I don't know if anyone's caught on, but basically, all I wear is dark denim on bottom, a black top, and some kind of scarf. Occasionally jewelry. Wet hair most of the time during the day.
And boots. Always boots—unless it's sandals.
Oct. 18th, 2009
09:18 pm - what I want for my birthday/christmas
My school does a three-week, 6-credit summer course on Italian Cuisine and the Mediterranean diet—in Italy! My friends from school are all hoping to go, and I would freaking love to as well. The course takes the "from farm to table" route, touching on everything from small-scale production of olive oil, wine, and cheese to major Italian public health, nutrition, and agriculture issues. Did I mention there are lots of field trips, guest speakers, and "hands-on" workshops?
So yeah, that's what I asked my parents to "get" me this year. I mean, they're already paying for some of my school anyway, but I'd rather they save the money on some material gift so it's not as tough to swing this trip. Applications are available starting at the beginning of November, and I definitely plan to get going on that ASAP. I've always wanted to study abroad but just wasn't ready when I was at Emerson. I know that three weeks isn't a tremendous amount of time, but it sounds just right to me. Considering how much I talk about wanting to live in another country, I really should have some experience traveling on my own and actually experiencing another culture. This seems like it could be a good start.
Oct. 13th, 2009
10:02 pm
In the chemistry class of life,
I am the distracted watch-checker
who cracks the crucible
by holding the flame too close.
03:46 am - can't sleep
I just saw a priest go by chomping on french fries. glad to see I'm not the only one up.
Oct. 8th, 2009
09:44 pm - today's 365/365 poem (not sure what it's about, quite)
Seven Curses on the Wrong House
I.
I can’t look at the man
in the corner of the picture
on Mother’s bedside table.
II.
Last year she told me
to stop thinking so hard
on it, but when I wake up
in the pitch dark,
I can’t help remembering
the way he burned down
every damn candle
that was left.
III.
She said he thinks of you
distantly and affectionately
now—you’re not
dealing with a rational man
here. You should
know better.
IV.
When the wind howls
through the eaves of this
house, it reminds me
of so-called moors
in old books and the wine
pouring down my mother’s
arms the night she told me
there are some parts
of the heart you just have
to throw away.
V.
You can get your knee
broken around here for speaking
your mind in mixed company—
they never could handle
the eloquence of a girl who refuses
to lay down and die
for her misgivings.
VI.
The scent on his hands, it was
the perfect open-lipped crime.
VII.
I can’t bring myself to look.
Some places, you can usually
count on a neighbor to
turn you in, but here,
everyone looks the other way
and locks the windows
at the first shriek.
Oct. 5th, 2009
02:08 pm - Something to look forward to
I got booked to model for a fashion photography class on Wednesday night. I've been told these are really fun. And I get to wear clothes. Sweet.
I'm feeling a little under the weather but am going to try to take it easy a bit the rest of today. Maybe I"ll do my homework in bed. This may or may not lead to napping. I also think I'm going to do yoga in the living room after Chris heads out for class and rehearsal. He's feeling kinda icky too.
I'm not sure how to feel about taking the herbs my mom gave me. Sleeping enough last night definitely helped but I'm just not all there, and the echinacea seems to be making my stomach hurt. At least my throat feels better.
blah, blah, blah. I guess it's time to check my work email and then start my chem homework.
Oct. 4th, 2009
12:03 pm - In which Jess actually talks politics (a little)
While having breakfast with my family today, we started talking about Obama. My family doesn't talk much about politics, but I tend to be the one who brings it up. We actually had a really interesting discussion this time.
It's been freaking me out how conservative my mom seems to have become over the past few years and how emotional she gets when she discusses politics. She only confessed today that she voted for McCain—before that, she'd been telling my sister and I that she just didn't vote.
First off, she's not obligated to tell us who she voted for or whether she voted at all. We didn't ask. That's someone's personal decision, and though I think McCain was a shitty candidate, I can't say that my choice is right and someone else is objectively wrong in voting for him.
However, I suspect that my mother believes Obama is the anti-christ who's going to centralize everything and take complete control and that on December 21, 2012, the real Christ will come back and put him in his place.
I don't know...
While I'm not the hugest Obama fan, I voted for him because I had more confidence in him and wanted to vote for someone who actually had a chance of winning. Don't get me wrong either—I really do like Obama—I just don't cream my pants every time I see his picture in the Times. And overall, he has at least addressed the matters he said he would address. The guy inherited a mess that no one human can fix, so I have to give him some credit.
That's where I think the problem is. The people seem to be once again looking to the government to fix them and take care of things. I meant actually, take care of them and fix things, but I suppose both apply. I honestly think that the people who put Obama in office are letting him down in that respect.
Sometimes I feel a little guilty that I'm not more active in the community doing service or some kind of activism, but I do consider my education, in a sense, a sort of activism, and I have been applying for volunteer positions in hospitals.
My dad, of all people, had an interesting idea. What if, say, at the age of 22, Americans were required to do a year or two of public service? Teaching ESL, helping build and/or maintain roads, working in daycare centers, etc etc. Perhaps they would get a tax break or the government would fund some or part of their education in return. Rather than a military draft it would be a community service draft.
I know it sounds like a real pie-in-the-sky kind of thing, but man...I'd love to see that happen. My sister grumbled at the idea, and I can kind of see where she's coming from—why should I work for free? But if everybody does it and it's the norm and you weren't brought up thinking that community service is only for people who have extra time or are unemployed or rich or sickeningly nice, it might not sound like such a bad thing.
I really don't think we pitch in enough to our own culture. We just consume it.
I probably sound like I'm ranting. I just wish there was a way for me to do something. Part of my desire to go into the healthcare industry is to contribute to the preventative care effort. Nutrition plays a huge role in that, but there are so many holistic "nutritionists" (who don't have licenses or scientific degrees, fyi) filling people's heads with the wrong information and that, in conjunction with the media, is turning food into this big scary hard-to-decode thing. No shit our country spends a lot on healthcare—if you don't start to take care of yourself until you've got acute symptoms, getting "better" is gonna cost you a lot because all these companies have medications and procedures to sell you.
Meaning: being well comes from living well. It can save you money. Duh.
On the other hand, Chris and I sometimes talk about moving to Europe after I graduate so I can work there as a dietician while he goes to medical school there. For whatever reason, that idea is much more appealing that moving to another state somewhere in the U.S. If I'm gonna move, I want it to be a real experience, not just simply a matter of packing up a truck and recreating what I already have in a different location.
So yeah, abandoning the U.S. is the other option.
Oct. 3rd, 2009
11:26 pm - too soon too soon too soon
October always comes on like this—a tap on the shoulder, a to-do list.
Sigh.
There is so much right now that I am doing for the first time.
Tarot cards say co-operation, diplomacy, and understanding are the key concepts to keep in mind right now. Patience. That I should set aside the competitive need to constantly be churning out creative work. I am learning new skills that I will use and am using to lay the foundation for a new path. But damn. So much of this tugging at my own skirt business. I need to stop doing that and actually give myself attention, pay less attention to the thirsty persona.
Ugh. I had no idea grad school was going to be this hard. I'm trying to focus on how good it will feel to get my credentials, but wow. That seems so far away! The best I can do right now is one week at a time.
Sep. 28th, 2009
Sep. 24th, 2009
09:12 pm - best line ever
"oh please, let me come in to the storm"
—Leonard Cohen, "One of Us Cannot Be Wrong"
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